Thoughts From an Imperfect Mother

While I've dedicated this blog to chronicling my weight loss efforts (or lack thereof?), there's something on my mind that I feel is worthy of a momentary subject change.  And since I know that most of those who follow this blog are moms, it seems relevant and hopefully even useful.

Something’s bothering the mother in me.  I’m a little concerned about my fellow mommies.  In my Pinterest browsing earlier today, I ran across a few blog titles that did not sit well with me.  A few examples:

5 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids

10 Ways to Be a Better Mom Every Day
Most Common Mom Mistakes

99 Reasons You Suck as a Parent

I may have made that last one up for the purpose of exaggerating my point.

The questions that pop into my brain as I see more and more of these types of “informative” and “helpful” articles are, “Who ARE these people?” and “Why do we so willingly believe that they know more than we do about the best way to raise our own children?”  I find many of these parenting advice posts to be condescending to me as a mother and insulting to me as a semi-intelligent human.

Bad parenting?  Not for me to say.

We all have our own ideas about how children should be raised.  I certainly don't fault anyone for putting those ideas in writing and sharing them with others, especially since that's pretty much what I'm doing by writing this post.  My bigger concern is that we seem to be almost desperately seeking out these types of posts and … gasp … pinning them.  Sharing them.  Relying on them.  Allowing them to feed on our psyches like little joy-sucking leaches.   It's as if we're losing all faith in our own abilities to love and nurture our children.

I want moms to stop doubting themselves.  I want them to trust that inner voice – the one that only we moms hear - that speaks to them from moment to moment, from morning ‘til night, day in and day out.  I want them to believe that the immense love they feel for their children will guide them in the decisions that really matter, because nobody on this Earth knows the hearts and minds of their little ones the way they do.  I want them to quit stressing over saying the wrong things and just be grateful that their voices, even when they say the wrong things (and they will sometimes) are the ones their children want to hear first thing every morning and last thing at night.  I want them to stop focusing on the ways they fall short as mothers (and they will sometimes) and start focusing on the small joys they bring to their childrens’ lives each day just by clocking in.

Want to know how to be a better mom?  Get on your knees and ask the Lord.  Follow His example.  Listen to His promptings. Then ask your KIDS what they need from you.  That blogger chick who lives four states away, who has never met you or your children, doesn’t know the first thing about what YOU can do to be a better mom to them. Their little souls were entrusted to YOU for a reason.  They are yours to know and to love and to cherish and yes, even to screw up a little. I guarantee you that if you say one of those dreaded “5 things” from that list up there, your kids will be OK.  They’ll recover.  They’ll still love you.  They won’t grow up to be ax murderers or guests on Jerry Springer. 

I personally didn’t bother to click on that silly pin and follow the link.  Why?  What good will it do?  Will I most likely end up letting one of those five things slip at some point, even if I DO read the article and become more enlightened?  Yep.  And then what?  With my newly-acquired enlightenment about what I'm doing wrong, I’ll feel guilty about it until I’m losing sleep and signing us all up for therapy to undo the damage I’ve done to my poor little future felons.   I don’t need that extra guilt-induced stress in my life.   I generate enough of that on my own without any help from complete strangers, thankyouverymuch.

Each of us has all the tools we need to be “better” moms every day.  No blog post or list is going to make our kids feel more loved or needed or special than we already know how to do on our own.  A mother's love for her children transcends every book, every magazine article, every how-to tutorial she can ever read during her career as a parent.

There’s a little voice that is lovingly whispering to you that your children are blessed to have you, but it’s being drowned out by a know-it-all world that screams at you from all sides:  “Your best is not enough. You can be doing more.  You are going to ruin your kids.”  But, as the saying goes, your children don’t need you to be perfect.  They just need YOU.  Gloriously, marvelously, laughably imperfect YOU.

You’re the only mom they’ve got.  And yes, that’s a good thing, despite what Suzy the Expert Mom Blogger from Des Moines says to the contrary.

Jillian Michaels: The fun begins

My dear, sweet, apparently homicidal husband bought me the evil Jillian's latest and greatest program, Body Revolution.  He either loves me a lot or is secretly trying to off me.  

She arrived on our doorstep in a cardboard box late last week wearing her little workout bra and flashing those famous abs and that funny little mole on her right boob.

I took several deep breaths, checked my sanity, and started the program bright and early Monday morning.

 

Her program consists of a total of 12 different strength workouts plus three cardio workouts.  She has the program broken down into two-week segments.  For example, the first two weeks look like this:

Monday -  Strength Workout 1
Tuesday - Strength Workout 2
Wednesday - Cardio DVD 1
Thursday - Repeat Strength Workout 1
Friday - Repeat Strength Workout 2
Saturday - Repeat Cardio DVD 1
Sunday - Rest (bless you, Sunday)

For the second two-week segment, this pattern is repeated, but you "graduate" -- if you're still able to walk -- to workouts 3 & 4.  It changes every two weeks like this until you've gone all the way through to the final DVDs, workouts 11 & 12.

Since it's Wednesday and I've now completed all three of the workouts in the first segment, I can officially declare myself an expert and offer you the benefit of my vast experience with these workouts.

I would say that the first two weeks of Jillian's program are geared toward the newbies.  If you're new to exercise - or it's been a while and you're feeling out of shape- you'll be challenged, but you won't die from these workouts.  They are meant to ease you into her program.  I can tell you that none of these exercises are new to me, so, while it was still a good workout, it wasn't call-me-an-ambulance-I'm-having-a-stroke challenging, like what you might expect from Jillian Michaels.  You'll do donkey kicks and squats and shoulder presses and rows and push ups and suicide drills and a whole lotta other stuff that doesn't sound like very much fun.

It's not supposed to be fun.  Suck it up.

I'll tell you what I love about these workouts:

I have a very severe case of exercise ADD.  Put me on a treadmill or stationary bike and within 10 minutes I'm ready to be done.  Doing the SAME, BORING movement for long periods of time is NOT for me.  When I get bored, I get lazy.  Plus, my mind wanders and I start thinking about cheeseburgers.  Not good.  But these workouts are done in circuits made up of 30-60 second moves, which helps tremendously with boredom.

What?  We get to change it up every half a minute or so?  I can SO do that!

The workouts are only 30 minutes, but they're intensity-packed, and they go by quickly thanks to the constant changing of movements.  I can dig it.  I haven't thought about cheeseburgers ONCE while doing these workouts.

So my assessment so far is two enthusiastic thumbs up.  If I had three thumbs, I'd give her three.  But alas, I am cursed with the normal number of thumbs.  As the workouts get harder, I may be putting up a different set of fingers, but let's not talk about that.  Wouldn't be very lady-like.

So to sum up, she eases you into the program, she packs more power into less time, and she makes the workouts go by quickly with the way she runs the circuits.

NOTE:  If you're horribly offended by words like "ass," "hell," or "damn," you might want to skip this program.  What'd you expect?  It's Jillian-freaking-Michaels!  No unicorns or rainbows here, people.

Stuff I don't like:

1.  If I close my eyes or look away from the TV, Jillian becomes a man.  Go ahead, next time you see Jillian on TV, try closing your eyes while listening and tell me she doesn't sound like a man.
Eyes open: Hot, fit chick in spandex leading a workout.  Eyes closed:  Man yelling at me to "KEEP GOING OR I'M GOING TO COME THROUGH THAT TV AND WHOOP YOUR A**!"   I'm just going to make sure I keep my eyes open and on the TV from now on.  That way, Jillian stays a girl.

2.  You know how you cheat and find future episodes of Downton Abbey online because you HAVE to know what happens next and then you really wish you hadn't done it?  Let's just say that I did this with the next set of workouts to see what hell awaits me in week 5.  And let's just say I'm really wishing I hadn't.  There are times when it's better to just not know things.  This would be one of those times.

Truth be told, I'm kind of looking forward to week 5.  Bring it, Jillian Man-chaels.  I ain't skeered.

Well, maybe a teensy bit ...

Oh, shutty.

Just for today, skip the Honey Boo Boo

If you're a human, chances are you've set a goal for yourself at least once in your lifetime.  You know, the kind where you decide that TOMORROW you will start your journey of change.  Perhaps you want to lose 50 pounds.  Maybe you want to start a running regimen so you can finally tackle that marathon.  Or maybe you want to read more, write more, learn more.  You tell yourself you're going to finish that novel by such-n-such date, or you'll be running 15 miles at a time by summer.

"TOMORROW, I will write 1,000 words of my future best-seller."

"TOMORROW, I will get up at 5:00 a.m. and brave the freezing temps to get my run in."

TOMORROW comes and what happens?  You hit that snooze button one too many times, tell yourself you'll run later, have a crummy day at work, come home to a dirty kitchen and mounds of laundry and convince yourself that  TOMORROW is a better day to start. This after spending three hours on the couch with your hand in a bag of Funyuns and ultimately falling asleep watching the "Honey Boo Boo" marathon on cable.  Not exactly the kind of marathon you were planning to participate in.  

Oops.

You failed.   

You blew it today and now you'll never reach your goals.  You're going to be a fat, lazy, uneducated toad for the rest of your miserable existence.  

Not so fast.

There's nothing at all wrong with making big plans for ourselves, but when it comes to weight loss, I'm learning that it's the small goals - the ones we can actually envision and wrap our brains around - that bring the most success.  When it comes to losing weight and taking control of my health, today is the only day that matters.  

If I tell myself that the goal is to lose 100 pounds by the end of 2013, and I think about it ONLY in those terms, I'll end up crying in the corner, rocking uncontrollably while humming some eerie lullaby and sucking my thumb.  The notion that "I have to keep this up every day for the next gazillion days to reach my goal or I've failed" is a daunting one.  It's too much.  It's completely overwhelming.  It's a near guarantee of failure.

I'm now determined that I'm simply going to wake up every morning and decide that, just for today, I will eat sensibly and get my workout in.  I'm going to make choices all day that will help me go to bed feeling good about the progress I made and the small steps I've taken toward my bigger goal.   When I do that, I wake up the next morning feeling hopeful and empowered, like I took control of something that's had control of me for far too long.   That feeling fuels me for the day ahead.  

"I did it yesterday.  It felt good amazing.  I want another day like that.  Today will be that day."

I can do anything for one day, right? 

I can put the Funyuns down slowly and back away - just for today.

I can pass on the Honey Boo Boo and pick up my laptop and write - just for today.

I can get to bed a little earlier and keep my 5:00 a.m. date with a pair of smelly sneakers - just for today.

Whatever my big plans are, I will start with today.  I won't overwhelm my brain and spirit with what needs to be done by the end of the year or even in the next few months.  I will let every day of my journey be a victory that fuels the next day's success.

What are your big dreams and what small step will you take, just for today, to bring you closer to making them a reality?

Every Day a Holiday

If you're like me and have gone somewhat public with your weight loss efforts, there are many around you who are very much aware of the changes you're trying to make.  They know you're cutting calories and making every attempt to avoid overindulgence in rich, fattening foods.  What they DON'T know is how hard it is to get back on the wagon when you fall off.  What they DON'T know is the guilt you feel when you eat too much, or have that donut you promised yourself you wouldn't touch, and how that guilt torments you and discourages you and spirals you toward more bad choices.  This would, at least in part, explain why they, with no ill intentions, continually enable you by saying things like:

"Just put your diet on hold for today.  It's a special occasion."

"It's your birthday! Go for it!"

"Come on, it's Christmas. One bad day won't kill you."

Perhaps not.  The problem is, in a society that centers every celebration around food, there's no such thing as just ONE bad day.  Every day is a birthday, Christmas, a family get together, an office lunch meeting, a night out with friends, a church party, a holiday dinner of some sort.   So what does that leave us poor dieters?  A couple Tuesdays per month, I think.

Food addiction is like any other addiction in that one day WILL kill you, or at least kill your progress and efforts.  I can't think of any reasonably kind human being who would tell a recovering alcoholic, "Hey, it's your birthday ... drink it up, old girl!  It's only one day!"   Yet we food-a-holics don't receive the same degree of sensitivity to our struggles.

Of course, ultimately it's not anyone's fault but mine if I go for that forbidden donut.  No one picked it up and shoved it down my pie hole.  I have to be the one to quit telling myself that one day isn't going to hurt anything, or that I can pig out tonight and start (AGAIN) tomorrow.   If I eat now, I can pay later, right?  I'll be extra good tomorrow (or on Monday) so that I can be extra bad right now and get that instant fix.

No more "eat now, pay later" for me.  No more borrowing from tomorrow so I can splurge today.  Yes, there will be the OCCASIONAL indulgences.  Life needs balance.  But I've borrowed against too many tomorrows that never came.  The time to take care of myself is NOW. Not after the holidays or the parties or the dinner dates. Those events will always be there, calling my name, assuring me that "this one time won't hurt anything," until one time turns into two, then three, then weeks, months , years.

How do YOU get through all of those "special" days and stay on track?

Brains are jerks

Weight loss is a tricky thing.  If it were only about calories in vs. calories out, everyone could do it--easy peasy.  There wouldn't be a gazillion and a half blogs out there dedicated to this very subject, written by people who fight and scratch and claw week after week just to see the smallest change on their bathroom scales.  When we come across someone for whom it DOES seem to be easy, we are fascinated by that person.  Inspired by him.  Motivated.  For a few brief moments as we read his story, we become determined that his story will be OUR story.  We wake up the next morning, overflowing with a newly-charged desire to wipe out months, years, or even a lifetime (in my case) of really crappy habits.

Then ... life happens.

Stress. Temptation. Holidays. Birthdays. Vacations. Emotions.  We reach for food for entertainment.  For comfort.  For nourishment.  For socializing.  For pleasure.

Weight loss, for the 99% of us, is about so much more than calories.  Of course, at the end of the day, it's the math that really matters.  Burn more than you consume.  But there's this pesky, annoying organ resting atop each of our shoulders known as our brains that likes to mess with our efforts.  It tells us we've failed more than we've ever succeeded, so we may as well accept our lot.  It tells us we're tired and stressed and we deserve to veg on the couch and gnaw on a piece--or four--of cold fried chicken.  It stores every insult that was ever hurled our way, every homecoming dance we didn't get asked to, every biggest size on the rack that still didn't fit.  Brains are big, fat, mean jerks.

Stupid brains.

My brain is no exception.  It's a bully.  But bullies are only as strong as their victims allow them to be.  I've been a wimp.  My brain's been pushing me around a lot, for many years.   It's my fear of having to confront my brain that has kept me from writing in this blog and doing what I KNOW I need to do in order to change my body and my health.   I know what's swirling around in my crazy noggin.  I just don't want to deal with it.

But I need to.  When I started this blog, I did it mainly for the accountability, but also for the therapeutic value.   For a while, when I was consistent, it worked.  I had success and saw results that I felt good about.  Then I got busy and failed to check in here regularly.  No therapy, no accountability.  I slipped.  When I slip, I have a pattern of going on the hunt for the next great fat cure.  Despite knowing what works, I start looking for a gym, a group, a book, a trainer, a blog, a diet that will be my magic bullet.  It's my way of avoiding the big, mean bully who's waiting around the corner to pants me and shove me into a locker. 

Stupid brain.

I'm back on the blog now because it works.  It combines the two things I need most for my own good: therapy and accountability.  I wish it were as easy peasy for me as ONLY counting calories.  It just isn't. I have to fight the food battle AND take down a bully.