I'm a mom. I can take it. I get that little girls, with all their hormones and mood swings and limited perspectives sometimes just hate their lives. As she rattled off her list of grievances at 6:30 a.m on a Monday morning, I started feeling very uncomfortable with the conversation. I was very concerned about all the negativity she seemed to be channeling. I let her finish getting things off her chest, then proceeded to try and impart of my motherly wisdom regarding stuff like positive thoughts, being grateful for what we have, how attitudes affect outcomes, yadda yadda yadda.
And then ... BAM!
I got hit with a different kind of uncomfortable feeling. This time, it was the kind that comes in the form of a loud voice that screams mean, hateful things in your ears: "Who are YOU to be giving this advice? Where do you think this attitude of hers is coming from? You need to learn to take your own advice, lady."
Ouchie.
This subject weighed heavily on my mind for the rest of the day. I'd had many a passing thought over the past months about my sarcastic tendencies and how they affect my overall psyche, but more specifically how those tendencies may be hindering my efforts to make positive changes to my body. But when I see my sweet little girl struggling because of her own negativity, and realize that I'm the biggest influence in her life, it's time to have more than just the occasional passing thought about it. It's time to DO something.
That night, we gathered for our family night and, using the scriptures and a WHOLE LOTTA quotes about being positive, I tried to help my little family see why it's so important to carry a good attitude with us in all the things we face every day, and how doing so just makes everything easier and better. This lesson was for me more than anyone else in that room. The discussion went well, and when it was over, I went around the house with all of those positive quotes I'd printed out and stuck them on the walls in various places all over our home so that we would have constant reminders everywhere we go. Bathroom mirrors, hallways, family room, kitchen cabinets, everywhere. Our home is now filled with happy thoughts everywhere you turn - sort of like a miniature Disneyland minus the awesome rides and parades and churros.
My daughter's momentary meltdown helped me to see that I have a load of emotional crap I need to deal with and that all the nutritious food and fat-melting workouts in the world aren't going to do a thing for me until I get out of my own way. I've been very conscious these last couple of weeks about the thoughts I entertain and I've noticed just how much I really do focus on negative garbage. I have a lot of work to do.
And then, this morning ...
I visited a Facebook friend's page to discover that he and I were no longer "friends." I sent him a message asking about it, and he informed me that he had to unfriend me because, while he loved my humorous posts, my everyday life seemed to be mixed with too much negativity.
Ouchie.
I cried. Not because I thought his words were mean-spirited or intentionally hurtful, but because he was right. I've known it for a while, but to hear it from another human is quite the poke in the eye.
I learned to use sarcasm at a very young age as a self defense mechanism. I've been the fat kid for as long as I can remember, which made me the target for every bully from elementary to junior high to high school ... and even beyond. I think I subconsciously figured out that if I showed people my fangs first (in the form of snark), they'd think twice about messing with me. It worked, sorta. My sarcasm has been my armor. My preemptive strike.
Most people may think that being more positive is a really simple thing to do - something you can just decide to do and do it. But for me, changing my attitude means changing who I've always been. Who I've always been is someone who, if I do say so myself, a lot of people like. I know not everyone loves and appreciates sarcasm the way that I do, but I know there are people who love that about me. I'm afraid that if I shed that, I'll somehow lose my identity and maybe even lose what makes me likable to the people who like me. Since this blog is all about finding courage, let me just say that that notion scares the dog snot out of me.
When I try to sit down and write positive thoughts or affirmations, I'm almost tempted to mock myself for doing it. "What are you, some kind of unicorn-riding, rainbow-sliding, cotton candy-eating Care Bear?" That's how foreign this is to me.
Yet, I know this needs to happen. My thought process has to change. I have to keep repeating and start believing all those warm and fuzzy little quotes I've put up around my house:
I can do hard things.
You believe what you tell yourself.
You can't live a positive life with a negative mind.
The only disability in life is a bad attitude.
Being happy is good for my health.
I can and I will.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Is it bad that that last one with the snark is my favorite?
I'm a work in progress, people. A work in progress.
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