It's all on me

A few years ago, right before I moved here to Utah, I was frustrated with my lack of weight loss results and, on the advice of a few friends, made an appointment with an endocrinologist.

I was working harder than ever and eating better than ever and getting nowhere.

I had heard stories from friends who had battled with whackadoo hormones and finally saw the weight drop off when they saw a doctor and got themselves balanced.   I figured, why not?

Why not indeed.

I was hopeful.  This is basically how my interaction with Dr. Jerky McJerkson went:

Dr. M:  What seems to be the problem?

Hopeful me:  Well, Dr. M., I've been eating XYZ and working out 6 days per week doing P90X and can't seem to drop a pound.

Dr. M (acting impressed with my regimen):  Wow.  I'm impressed.

Still hopeful Me:  I'm hoping you can help me figure out what's going on with my body because I'm at my wits' end and very frustrated.

Dr. M (feigning understanding):  That's understandable.  Let's do some blood work and see if we can figure out what's going on.

Fast forward to two days later when Dr. M. calls with the results:

Dr. M:  Mrs. Reynolds (this was in my pre-Carpenter days), I have the results of your blood test back and your hormone function looks normal.  BUT ...

side note:  This is one big BUT ...

BUT ...

Your cholesterol is a bit high so you really should lose some weight.

Hopeless and discouraged me:  Hangs up phone and cries for 20 minutes.

Did he really just tell me I need to lose weight?  What the hell does he think I sat in his office crying about two days earlier?

Fast forward again, this time to a mere two weeks ago when I lost my mind and decided to put myself through this again, only THIS time I did it without insurance.  That's right, I paid CASH right out of my POCKET for the abuse:

Evil female P.A.:  What seems to be the problem?

Me (thinking, "Weird, this feels familiar"):  blah blah blah weight, blah blah blah, working hard, blah blah blah losing my freaking mind for the last 3+ years, blah blah blah I'm doing the work but can't seem to get the results I'm working for

E.F.P.A.:  Yes, I hear the same story from a lot of women.

Me:  I don't want a magic pill, I'm willing to do the work and I do it.  I'm just wondering if there's something going on in my body that's making it so much harder for me than for everyone else on the planet.

E.F.P.A.:  How 'bout we try some Phentermine?

Me:  Uh.

Me:  Well.

Me:  What does that do?  (I asked this already knowing the answer)

E.F.P.A.:  It's an appetite suppressant.

Me (in my head):  So I just told you all that I'm doing and how hard I'm working and how much frustration and heartache this has caused me and YOU SAY 'DIET PILL' TO ME?????

So what did I learn from these experiences?  A couple of things.

I learned that I really need to stop talking to doctors.

I learned that, before I even get a chance to discuss my issues with a medical professional, they see my weight on the chart and look at me and instantly lump me in with all the other overweight people who come to see them and want the easy fix.

SO not me.  SO not fair.

But the most important thing I learned is that this weight loss thing is all on me.  This is MY fight.  I might have jacked up hormones and vitamin deficiencies and evil little microscopic men inside my body who transport all the food I eat directly to my hips.  Whatever the reason, this weight loss thing is harder for me.  It didn't used to be, but it is now.

Even the people out there who COULD help me and probably SHOULD help me, won't. I could stay ticked at them, but the only way that's useful to me is if being ticked burns calories.  But it doesn't.  Trust me on that.

So instead ...

My body fights against me.  I fight harder.
Doctors refuse to help me.  I help myself.
I get discouraged and have a bad week.  I dust myself off and make the next week a good one.

Ultimately, the most balanced hormones and the most competent medical people and the best personal trainers in the world can't give me the health and fitness I so badly want and need.

It's all on me:  the work, the attitude, and the outcome.